There is nothing which disgusts me more than to hear a divorced man, absentee father, or boy (adult-child) who is pretending to be a man complain about paying Child Support; as if the child pushed some hidden button in him to make him shoot out the correct sperm to be procreated.
The man blames the woman. The woman blames the man. They both blame the child for being here and abandon the requirements of parenting together (even if they are not a couple).
This is an unending cycle which can probably be traced back through these guys’ lives. They may have come from good homes or even broken homes. It is a choice to deny your child love, honor, respect and the right to know the male half of their DNA.
It doesn’t take a Master’s Degree to be a father. It does, however, take a great deal of heart, determination and strength of character to fight through the daily frustration of keeping home, job, car and then to openly love other people. Being a DAD takes an individual who is willing to give up a great deal of themselves in order to prepare their child to become greater than they are.
But the trend of today is quite different and it shuns responsibility.
Yeah, there are some guys who are paying their Child Support and are not able to spend time with their child(ren) because of some hateful, bitter and out-for-revenge woman, who would openly use the child(ren) against this man. But they are consistent with their payments and the Attorney General’s Offices seem apt to send these guys to jail over the deadbeats who are still walking around, banging any woman gullible enough to sleep him who refuses to take care of or spend the time of day with his offspring.
These are the guys who want to break the mold and have a loving relationship with their child by any means. The problem in this society is that the role of DAD has become a joke and of non-importance.
Here are the benefits that a child receives from the negative-based father figure:
- A hole in the heart – spends hours and days trying to figure out why this man does not love them, care for them, or want to see who and how they are doing.
- A directionless life – this child attaches to the first grown up who shows interests in them and then tries to mimic the best qualities of that person. Most times, it is a bad natured person who they assimilate.
- Loss of hope and encouragement – days filled with abandonment issues which tear up and breakdown the child’s self-esteem and self-worth. Resulting actions always fall on the physical side of life. They sleep with anyone and many trying to fill the hole left by the negative-based father.
- Affirmation or the Lack of – the life of a child is filled with great ups and downs. Their entire world is based on moment-to-moment. On a weekly or monthly basis, the child(ren) hears all types of negative things about their dad, then they are equated to being listed as having the mentality and life structure of their negative-based father by the woman who is supposed to be the nurturer. All she is delivering is bad news on top of blame on top of bad news. The things that they most want to hear: “Good Job,” “You are a better person than I could be at your age,” “You are important to me,” or “I love you.”
In this cycle, the parents don’t win and the child is left at the starting blocks of life ill-prepared.
No, it doesn’t take a great deal of effort to be a good dad.
It just takes a heart and mind to put the childish things of life aside.
I grew up with seven brothers and sisters. That’s a big family, right? But my father figure was absent, rarely heard from, and the epitome of the Temptations’ song.
Affirmation came to me in the hours and days I worked as an Altar Boy in the local Catholic Church. If it were not for me learning of God and then working with some great Priests who told me to read and discover who I was based on my talents, I do know that I would have followed the examples of the man who “bust a move” to bring me into this world.
I hold no anger towards my dad. This is based on the last weeks of his life and the conversations we had about why and how he ended up making bad choices and stupid decisions.
He was a man who did not know who his own father was. The guy who he was told was his father, he found out in his late 20s, wasn’t.
Despicable cycle right?
But children tend to mimic those things they repeatedly hear all of their lives.
My dad died on New Year’s Eve Night 1992. Five hours before he had passed, our last conversation was directed on how he loved to receive monthly letters, birthday cards, and Father’s Day drawings and gifts I had taken time out to make for him. He apologized for not telling me thank you. He apologized for not being there for all of us. He cried and struggled to breath in those last hours and I respected him for this. We prayed and talked and talked and prayed, but this should have happened 18 years before.
One of the last things I remember him saying into my soul, “I am so happy that you did not follow in my footsteps and made the choice to become a good dad.”
This still haunts me through each of my days and is used as the catalyst to create a positive atmospheres for my seven daughters, one son, 6 grandchildren and 9 “God-daughters.”
I constantly work to feed good and positive things into them, encourage and affirm all of their talents, and then step back so they can experience success and failures on their own terms.
But at the end of the day, after I have stepped back and allowed them to live, they know all they have to do is be willing to call and talk to me.
There was a “hole” in me for the longest time, but being busy in church and learning of Christ at an early age created in me the directions, hope, and encouragement that was required for me to become a successful writer, husband, parent, and dad.